Being HOLY

I am struggling with being holy.
I know that as a christian there are many things that I should not do, like playing mahjong. I don't want to be a stumbling block. My mum was telling my cousin--aiyoh, her sister is more devoted then her! Leader play mahjjong! I felt really bad and i feel reallie reallie rotten. Like I am being a stumbling block to people. But i like mahjong, to me, i want to know a little bit of everything so that life will be more interesting.

And today, i fell asleep during sermon. I mean, i was really tired. I did not mean to but I just closed my eyes, with great intention to osmosize through my ears and I fell asleep. And the sermon was not really relevant NOW as it talks about marriage etc. But sometimes I feel myself being rebellious of the system. Where is the submissiveness that I am supposed to feel that arises out of my relationship with God? I feel so sad, maybe I haven been spending enough time reading the bible. I should not fall asleep, i should condemn 4D, i should be more effective in evangelism, i should not feel the urge to say bad words, i should not gossip and goodness should be a very part of me. I am not feeling like that!

I relate very well to my girls because I am who I am. But i feel that I am not giving them enough guidance and setting a good example to them. I told them during the first cg that i may not have the answers and i am not very holy although chunxi reassured me that we have already been made holy in Christ.

I want to be a good christian. God, teach me how.